Lancer Register Forum banner

1 - 20 of 68 Posts
G

·
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I frequently get lots of jokes forwarded to me, so i'll start the ball rolling, would be cool to have more added if anyone has some good-uns... :D

Sad news about beer.

You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems
irrefutable.

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a
recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and
suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the
theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It
was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively
without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to
think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and
refused to apologize when wrong.
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Wanna hear the one about the ****** and the skinhead?
Skinhead says to ******: Do you know why you are black with hands and feet pink inside?
*****: No?
SH: Becaus you were on all fours when I painted you! :D

Wait, it's not over!

*****: do you know why you are white with a black asshole?
SH: No?
*****: Because I hadnt totally dried up when I fucked you!
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Just re-read that, pretty tasteless actually. A friend just told me that over a beer, so dont take it seriously. :)
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores. Not yet, said the little boy. His
mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ####ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal? he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you
going to tell him, or should I?
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a
gift cheque for £500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat
gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch
whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom
where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs where the dumb
blonde fixed him a giant breakfast - eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring he
noticed a Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
All this was just too wonderful for words he said but what's the fiver
for? . Well, said the dumb blonde last night I told my husband that
today would be your last day and that we should do something special for
you. I asked him what to give you. He said F**k him. Give him a
fiver. ................... the breakfast was my idea.
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
There's a dwarf with a suitcase walking down the street. He sees this prostitute standing on the corner. He asks her how much for a screw? and she replied £100 . So, she takes him to her hotel room and strips off and lays down on the bed. The dwarf opens his suitcase and he pulls out 4 springs. He puts 1 on each hand and foot and bounces on top of her. Boing boing boing. He gives her the best shag of her life. He bounces off her and she says I'm sorry but that is the best screw I have ever had. What do you call your technique the dwarf says it's 4 sprung dwarf technique
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid that something might be wrong with her so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Woo, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Woo said 'Take off all your croze'' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery fass to odder side of room'. Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Woo then said, 'now craw reery reery fass back to me'. So she did. Dr Woo slowly shook his head and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease, Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates'. Upset the woman responded 'My God Dr Woo what is Ed Zachary disease?' Dr Woo relied 'Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass'.
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
A vicar is in the bath and he really fancies a tug, so he shuts his eyes to make it more enjoyable and he ####s until he is satisfied. At this point he opens his eyes to see his window cleaner looking in through the window. Embarrassed he gets out of the bath to answer the door to pay the man. When he asks how much the reply is 50 quid. 'Flipping heck, 50 quid for a few windows?' protests the vicar. 'yep, just think what would happen if I told your flock about what I've just witnessed' The vicar paid him. After a couple of weeks the bishop visits and inspecting the vicarage he says, 'Your windows are the cleanest I've ever seen, who cleans them?' 'A local man', came the reply, 'how much did he charge?' enquires the bishop 'well err, 50 quid actually,' said the vicar. '####ing hell, he must have seen you coming'
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices. Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it comes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, Kin ya swaller? The woman shakes her head no. Kin ya breathe? The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was getting more and more despondent over the recent death of her husband, Cecil. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Cecils old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, Your heart would be just below your left breast.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the local hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee!
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
This is quite funny - a real event

Sorry all you none ADSL peeps it takes a while.

http://koti.mbnet.fi/~soldier/towboat.htm

Jeremy
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Three Leprechauns, Mick, Eugene and Pat, are sitting in the pub getting
quietly ####ed when Mick shouts out, Jaysus, I'm bored wid bein'a feckin' nobody.

I'm tinkin I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and

get meself entered in de book



what de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit. You've dun nuttin' to getin

de book for says Eugene.



well, it's me hands, Eugene replies Mick waving them around, I tink

dey are de smallest in de world and I'm going to get meself entered into

de book and I'll be world famous.



Both Eugene and Pat agree that they are quite small and they all carry on

drinking quite heartily.



A little while later Pat pipes up Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de

Guiness book of records for yer small hands, so can I.



The other two smirk at each other and Mick says how can ye have de

smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool ?



Pat replies it's not me hands, Mick it's me feet , and he takes off his

boots to show them. I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and

I'm gonna get meself entered into de Guiness Book of records too.



The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go

back to their drinking.



Some time later Eugene chimes in, well, if youse two can get into de

Guiness Book of records, I can too.



The others fall about laughing. what de **** have you got dats so

feckin'interesting? cries Mick.



it's me dick, Mick he says and pulls down his breeches to show them.



They both howl with laughter as Eugene pulls out his little willy.



Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Eugene , says Pat dat's de

smallest feckin' dick I ever saw and with that they all go back to their

drinking.



Later on full of the gills , they are heading home when out of the corner

of his eye Mick spots the Gunness Book of records office further down the

street. Jaysus , he says I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get

me hands measured and off he staggers. Ten minutes later he comes out

with a big smile on his face waving his hands in the air. I did it, I did

it he says I'm in de Guinness Book of records for de smallest hands in

de world , nobodies got smaller hands dan me and with that he pushes Pat

forward. Go on ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go

on



**** it. I will says Pat and off he staggers. Ten minutes later he

comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air.

Jaysus, I'm famous. he says. I've got de smallest feet in de world, I'm

famous, I'm famous he yells.



With that Eugene staggers to the office door. I'm gonna get me dick

measured he says, I won't be long





The other two are waiting anxiously for Eugene to return, but time slips

by.

Ten minutes turns into twenty and twenty into thirty. Still no sign of

Eugene. One hour later the office door swings open and Eugene slouches

looking disconsulate.



whats wrong ? asks Pat, to which Eugene



replies.......



who the feckin hell is Wazuptommi?
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
A teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’ in a sentence. Andy, the class crawler, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.”

“Well done, Andy” says the teacher, “Can anyone else try?” Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,” My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”

“Well done, Katie” says the teacher. “Anyone else?” Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, “Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.”
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
There was a cruise ship going through
and amp;gt; some rough waters that ended
and amp;gt; up sinking just off the coast of a
and amp;gt; small deserted island............
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt; There where only 3 survivors:
and amp;gt; 2 guys and a girl..........
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt; They lived there for a couple of years
and amp;gt; doing what was natural for
and amp;gt; men and women to do..............
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt; After several years of casual sex all
and amp;gt; the time, the girl felt
and amp;gt; really bad about what she had been doing...
and amp;gt; She felt having sex with both guys was
and amp;gt; so bad that she killed herself...
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt; It was very tragic but the two guys
and amp;gt; managed to get through it and
and amp;gt; after a while nature once more took
and amp;gt; it's inevitable course.....
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt; Well, a couple more years went by and
and amp;gt; the guys began to feel
and amp;gt; absolutely horrible about what they
and amp;gt; where doing....
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt; So................
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt;
and amp;gt; They buried her.
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
CASH POINT MACHINES

Barclays Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing
new
Drive-thru cash point machines where our customers will be able
to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable our customers
to
make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted
intensive
behavioural studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you and remember them for when
you
use our new machines for the first time.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.

3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to
its
excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. After Invalid Card is displayed - Remove the afore mentioned Marks
and amp;
Spencer Charge card and insert correct Cash Point card
11. Remove Cash Point Card
12. Re-insert Cash Point Card the right way up.
13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back
page.
14. Enter PIN.
15. Press Cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
16. Enter amount of cash required.
17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
18. Retrieve cash and receipt.
19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
20. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
21. Re-check make-up.
22. Drive forward 2 meters.
23. Reverse back to cash machine.
24. Retrieve card.
25. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot
provided.
26. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
27. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
28. Release handbrake
 
G

·
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
-Apparently Gareth from Pop Idol got nicked last night for drink driving.
They reckon he will go to jail,
but he won't finish his sentence.

-A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. The battery
and
the jump leads take a seat whilst the bra goes up to the bar. The bra
says
to the barman: Afternoon pal, three pints of Stella please.
Sorry mate, says the barman, I can't serve you .
Why not? the bra asks, indignantly.
Coz you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to
start
something
 
1 - 20 of 68 Posts
Top