You will need this....
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Marriage Contract
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal,
agree that...
Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm
after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for
five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema,
I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act, too, with me saying
stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and
howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any
relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe
in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that by
some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman, it
will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's
night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a
large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of
your genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and
longevity in the bedroom to my friends.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends-a lot.
Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making
love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your
arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your
face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" name.
Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel
sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the
work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female
friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest
bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner.
And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a
day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even
though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to
proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the
fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat
similar.
Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my
body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.
Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of
your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met.
Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will
solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."
Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars,
computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the
comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I
attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything
*mechanical*.
Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household
items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator,
garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and
toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship
contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)